butterflies...

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT YOU!

i dont do feelings.
but, i do want to fuck.
i sort of really want to know what its like to have you.
i dont know you. but, i know everyhing.
these insects in my stomach keep fluttering around.
its such a foreign feeling. yet, ive felt it before.
i hate to get my hopes up since the fall is the worst part of all.
i reject it. but, everyone knows ill be quick to take it.
would you be my valentine's?
would you fuck off already.
do i... or do i not want this.
i need this.
loneliness has been a companion of mine for so long.
GOD! what do i do... what do i say... i love how you can make me feel this way.
its beyond a manson crazy.



GAY!

its sort of like... damn.

im depressed. i want to talk about it. but, i dont want to be a downer. thank the internet for blogs... right??

i just cant get over the fact that hes gone. theres no phone calls and texts coming from him no matter how many times i look for his name in my phone. its like, why dont you want to hang out anymore?! and, then i think, "dobbie is dead and he's not coming back." then, my heart breaks all over again. i havent really had time to mourn about this whole situation. i still wake up every morning thinking this is a dream. i really thought his funeral would bring me closer. i was even one of the honored by his mother to carry his casket. its not that i dont think of any of my other friends less than him, its just as the years went by i discovered how much alike we are. he might have never thought this, but he sort of became a brother figure. a guy i could tell anything to. if something got too much for him for me to share, he wouldnt tell me to keep quite all the time. all though, he was gone for two years in california i still texted him up every once and awhile with eventually going out there with one our best friends jamie. we had a blast... but there was a falling out. he came back home a year later and things eventually became almost normal again. if not better then before. when his mother came and saw me at work with the huge ass grin that dobbie shared with her, i had to call that nigga up to let him know, "dude, your mom called me geisha... no one has called me that in forever." long story, short. from day one of meeting him i knew we were going to be really good friends. i dont know if any one is going to read this or not. but, i just couldnt stand not talking about it any more. and, i promise you dobbie. ill take care of jamie. i miss you and i wont ever forget you. 

a.d.h.d

today, i want to be this... in less then a week i want to do that instead. i have too many unfinished projects in the making. yet, i keep adding new ones to my list. but, one thing that doesnt change is how i think everything in my social world has shifted majorly. im not quit lost. but, its like living without a spiffy gps system. the feeling of being so closed off from the world you recently raveled in has just left you exhausted. yet you crave for every opportunity to sneak out that window and run freely through it time and time again.

ladies and gentlemen, marijuana is that gps system you needed after all. and, i dont want to have to move to california to be able to feel "normal" at some level. am i a pothead? ... maybe. but, i know with its magic way of mellowing me out: i dont really give a fuck what you call me. and, i do realize the first part of my blog has nothing to do with what im saying right now. but, the title is:  a.d.h.d im going for a jog now... its sort of like an anti-depressant once you get into the flow of things. 

with all kidding aside... im going to do whatever it takes to get to california and pursue the career in which i absolutely feel i will excel in to  the marrow of my bones, i will excel. if youre reading this and have absolutely no idea what im talking about... thanks for reading anyways. little do you know what you have came across in the near[ish] future. they're people around me who are living proof that dreams are never too big to dream. a good attitude, having good people around you, knowing who your friends really are, and knowing yourself will bring you great riches... and, not always in money. 

now, we're in trouble.

everyone has that wild friend. you may think all my friends are wild, but there's one that blows everyone out of the water. and, now she's 21, carded and dangerous.

 we had a fun night. i haven't really gone that hard core in awhile. i spent the night trying to kee

p up with her. she had 19 shots and at least 5 beers. while i was sitting in the hotel room as the the girls were getting ready for their night out at shore dr. we still had fun. i told katie to straightened my rat tail, yes i have one of those. watching snow's boobs in different dresses, kayla ripping the blow dryer out of the wall and me with m

y bowl. it was bound to for tony to hear what its like for girls and 

gay guys have conversations. i kept it clean, so it wouldn't be too creepy for him, but i said pretty off the wall things. it really made me and the ladies laugh. tony is good people, it's really hard not to want to fuck around with him like that. 

  anyways, we spent the night bar hopping up and down shore dr. we planned 3 destinations for the party. h2o, which we all got too drunk to make it too, shore break and spanish sounding bar that played like "euro electro" music on this particular nig

ht. im not gonna lie, we all ended up being the only people on the floor. imagine rolling 14 deep walking into a bar with like 5 people in it with no one on the dance floor and within 10 minutes all 14 of us were on the dance floor. we practically got everyone dancing at one point. it was great. it was funny! i think that i can be on "america's best dance crew," or something when i'm that drunk. there's probably pictures of it floating around on facebook or myspace.

n facebook or myspace. kayla, got so excited she danced... on my lap. at first, i thought she was going to fall backwards the way she was moving. it some effort from keeping her on my lap as long as i did, but eventually she went down. she didn't go down that hard, so no worries. 

we eventually ended the night back at the hotel room. were we pretty much partied until someone, who will remain nameless, puked in someone's car through a crack window. i think it was funny, but the guy that owned the car... not so much.  i just know i ended the night good. 3 honeys in one bed, what more can a guy need for his friend's birthday.

for your amusement... "what it is"

sex, alcohol, bars, sun, jet ski, weed, movies, sleep, work.

thats what ive been doing since last time i BLOGGED.

is there really a reason to keep up with a blog if youre just constantly updating your twitter status? 

this cant be real.

when i got the news my knees gave out. i refused to believe it was real. when i got home the news came on and then the media said it was so. i tried to hold it in but my tears just couldnt be held back. i got ready as fast i could to run over to your parents house. the sadness to was felt before i even opened the car to door to walk up the drive way. i dreaded the look i expected on your mothers face, giving her flowers and card to show my condolences. it felt shallow because they are no words that a card can have printed in it to tell you how deep and painful of the sorrow we share. i was their a friend who lost his little brother. i was their for parents who lost there child. i was their because i lost a friend. 

i couldnt look at anyone because i knew i would break down in tears. you can tell your mother is the one who it taking it the worst. her eyes so blood shot red, how was it possible she had could cry so many tears in two days. she had finally stopped, but i knew she was hurt. how could someone do this to you?! how could anyone bring your family so much grief!??  isiah jones, i just want to you to know that you are loved and you are missed by so many. you were the only person who treated every one the same. gave them nothing but your honest personality. theres was no bullshit with you. your exterior was tough, your attitude was strong, your talent beyond amazing, but you were taken way before your time. 

YOUTUBE.

many people exploit their foolish selves on youtube. some may be funny, some serious and some just plain stupid. i prefer funny ones. some of you may know i have a youtube channel... probably not since the most views on one of my videos is barely over sixty. i hope my channel fits in the category of "funny" and/or "stupid".  i know i havent made any updates on it in awhile and that i may have promised people shout outs on it, which will happen eventually.

basically, i watched a little movie last night called "jim and mira make a porno". and, in this movie is a very serious character that works in the adult movie industry whom i totally fell in love with. what i want to do is create a character inspired by him and make my youtube channel all about him. BUT! i need help with ideas. i basically got the character down, i just need ideas for his little "show". i do have a few notes written down for a couple of videos but i always second guess myself. 

i need your ideas, so i can make this character lovable and volgur as possible. hes a gay porn star with a lot of pride of his sexuality and in the industry that he works for. he has a troubled relationship with his chilean boyfriend javier... and that all i got. can you help me?!